Title: 1st ever "Golden Jizz Movie Awards" Company/Director: Fully Erect Studios/Jeff Ching Genre: Movie Awards Show Reviewed by MidbackMan Scale: 5 to 10: Very Bad A film of just terrible Quality; Don't bother 11 to 20: Bad A few slightly redeeming qualities but still not worth your time 21 to 30: It's okay Very ordinary technical stats; Not worthless but not great 31 to 40: Good Above average; Usually recommended to the fan of the specific genre 41 to 50: Very Good Well worth your attention; Content and design are spectacular Review: There are a couple notes I want to make clear before I go on with the review. First off, I didn't think that an awards show is really worth a review, being that it's just an awards show and everyone would know what to expect. But with the large file size of the movie, even broken in half, 56kers and below would have to really want it to have to download the movie. Not to mention that Jeff Ching didn't provide the results on any webpage so if you want to know who won what then you're going to have to download the show or ask somebody who's seen it. I asked Jeff Ching, the director of the Awards show about it and his comment was something along the lines of "if you won't download the awards movie then tough shit!" So, for those people who need confirmation on whether this is worth your time then this is for you. The second thing I wanted to point out are the Technical Scores. It says it at the bottom of the review but I'll say it again up here in case you don't read that: The tech scale is a representation of the movies technical scores and not my feeling about the movie. So, if you want to know if this movie was fun to watch then just read on. Finally, on to the review of the movie... Well, since I'm reviewing it as a movie I guess it's safe to talk about it like a normal movie. It's kind of a toss up. As I briefly mentioned earlier, the movie was broken in half for easier downloading for slow connections like myself. The first half, being the larger size was boring and didn't have too much detail in anything. The "set" was one view of a stage that never changed and went on for thousands of frames until the next "break." There were a bunch of these breaks that really helped the movie from becoming completely boring. I've taken a little bit of time to write out the few individual ones that stood out in my head below in the movie's "Highs" section just below this review. There's a completely awesome little short by Jimmy Pozin called "I went diving in my pool" which I rated 7/10 in a seperate review. There were some other cool breaks as well. The second half of the movie was a little shorter than the first and had more camera changes than the first half (not including "breaks") and had more detail put into making set design look interesting. When you went backstage in the first half to see someone It was just a blank shade of color, maybe a prop or two and a character. In the second half, someone took the time to make a backstage area that you could easily discern what was what just by looking at it. Backstage with Pikios: Did you make that Jeff? The voices in both the first and second halves of the movie were pretty piss poor for most people. The quality of most people's microphones or the quality of the sound file added breathing sounds into the file from time to time. Y'know, where you're too close to the mic and you say something and there's a quick "huff." Other times the quality of the wav made static in the background or the voice was just plain hard to hear. And other times, Jeff got British and Australian people to do little readings and I just plain can't understand a word they say normally. My god Will Maltby... my god... Of positive things in the voice category were the quality of a few who knew how to use a microphone properly like Jeff Ching and Jason Ruiz. Jason Ruiz' first acceptance speech (he had 2, btw) was pretty damn funny, actually, and helped me break from the haze of boredom that was everyone else. During most people's nomination readings and after the winner was announced, the nominees and the number of votes were shown on a screen on the stage. Along with some crappy voices from a lot of people, there were instances where the votes counted for a particular award were not shown on the screen on the stage which confused me sometimes and made me go back to hear what the person said the award was again. I attribute this to two things: The voices were crap and so boring that I just wasn't paying attention and was unable to pay full attention because it was just the same thing over and over again. I was paying attention but I wasn't paying attention... I did stick through it, however. Even though the voices were hella-boring and crappy I still had some kind of urge that was curious to see what was to come next. The awards were sort of like filler to me. The fun all came in what the next break might be. The breaks in the first half were the best. The added animation in the second half (e.g. angle changes, prop "NUTS" character killing Redwampa) and the conclusion of the awards didn't seem worth the download. The first half, where the meat of all the cool "breaks" are is really the part I would go for. Not so much for the awards but rather the other stuff. Story: 0/10 Animation: 4/10 Scenery: 7/10 Voices: 5/10 Music: 5/10 Total: 21/50 The Movies Highs: *Cool "breaks" that really helped the show 1. Totally Awesome Short movie by Jimmy Pozin "I went diving in my pool" Score: 7/10 (part 1) 2. Funny "soda" commercial (part 1) 3. Awesome rap song by Matt McGowan on 3dmm (part 1) *Jason Ruiz' first acceptance speech was really funny *Few cool clips of movies during nominations (2nd half mostly as I seem to remember) The Movies Lows: *Voice quality = feh; everyone 'cept Ching and Jason Ruiz' voices were crap quality & boring & even then Ching ranted a lot *Certain things made movie seem like it wasn't worked on much: 1. Lack of cutscenes during nomination readings (mostly during first half) 2. lack of voting scores on screen at times 3. Music ran off into other scenes 4. Not many camera angle changes (on stage) until second half where things moved around more... Bottom Line: A very long Awards show with some pretty boring voices. It may not be what you want to kill your time watching or it might be. Anyone who was nominated or was just curious about the results go ahead. If I didn't swear to an oath to report to you, the average shmoe, the truth about movies, then I would've probably stayed away if I had seen a review like this or knew about it ahead of time, especially for it's file size. NOTE TO READER: Take notice that the technical scores are just that: Technical Scores. The review will contain an opinion of how enjoyable the movie was overall. The Tech Scale may not reflect the opinions in the written review. As always if you agree or disagree with any of the opinions or technical scores in this article please feel free NOT to take it up with MidbackMan or the management of Review Central since no one really gives a rats ass about what you have to say. That's why you're at this site.